A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I put the p in pants.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Come back with a warrant
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?