[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
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You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.