[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
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When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake