Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
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Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.