The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
need him
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.