If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
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Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.