Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
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amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I hope this email finds you in a well
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Good Morning.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy