Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *