If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
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I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Overindulged this afternoon.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room