ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
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ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee