The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
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Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you