This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
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Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust