4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
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[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”