“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
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I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”