Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
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“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?