#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
You Might Also Like
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Pringles
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.