found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
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Has there ever been a more American story?
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
IT’S-A ME,
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire