Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
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THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.