How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
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By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee