Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
You Might Also Like
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”