Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.