My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
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4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
This week’s mood.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants