Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
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While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
It be like that sometimes 😆
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing