[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
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invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”