*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
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broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I am HOWLING at this
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Who does Amazon think I am?
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
i hate you platonically
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”