My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
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I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.