I should have stayed in kindergarten.
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The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.