*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
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Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.