I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
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where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
twitter users today:
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
The Backseat Boys
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you