every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
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Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
starting a garage orchestra
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
That’s incredible! 👌
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.