Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
You Might Also Like
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
At an art museum and I thought this was art
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)