[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
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Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?