I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
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deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Yes my dude
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep