sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
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When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Fights fire with marshmallows
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”