Running from your problems is cardio .
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.