If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
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Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.