damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
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My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast