Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
You Might Also Like
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns