My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
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5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!