When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
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I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I unironically love this joke.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.