It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
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My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.