I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
You Might Also Like
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.