I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
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You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.