[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
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How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
me linking you to my twitter
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.