I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
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i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO