store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
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One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”