My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
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Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
the Monday after daylight savings
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old