WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
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What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
this is how life feels
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.