Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
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It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
What’s a Messi?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.