My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me